Lost in Your Freedom - a post I never finished from six months ago...

Lately I have been trying to defend my faith to those in my personal life who are denying His existence. They laugh at me, pity me even. I am not going to fight them anymore. I am going to show them. Love them. Give them peace. Let them step back and see that I what I believe is real and true and worth it.

What did I lose when I gave my life to my Savior? I was a party girl. A hot mess. An addict. So lonely I wanted to die. Every. Single. Day. Nothing, not even my children were worth living for. I had no hope. And this little girl, who I love so much, has HOPE tattooed on her wrist. I just want to take her hand, trace those letters with my finger, and whisper to her about the One who is hope. Show her that life is worth living. That following a King is so much easier than following the prince of this world.

But I let her have her own version of hope. I respect her that much. To let her decide her own path. And keep on loving her.

I love this blog, honest I do

but I have let her lie dormant waiting for the right time to write what is in my heart. I have waited in a dry desert for a few years waiting for God to show me how He might use my words to glorify Him and speak life into someone who desperately needs hope. 

And today was that day. I got to church early, three of the four children in tow. I sat them down to eat their donuts and that's when I saw her. A tiny little woman all drawn up into herself. I could see the hurt. I could FEEL her pain. She just showed up at church today. Came from the Woman's Shelter. Loneliness and pain a badge on her chest. Once beautiful eyes now empty. No soul. No fight left in her. It was like looking in the mirror at my life twenty years ago. She got brave and left her abuser with only the clothes on her back. No bra. No clean undies. No memories or tokens of her life. Just her. 

I introduce myself. Get down on my knees at the foot of her chair. I touch her knee. She spills out her story as the tears spill down her face. She is so weary. I place my hand under her chin and lift up her face and tell her she is beautiful. That she is loved. And then I whisper to her that I, too, was once like her. Desperate and alone and unloved. And I couldn't stop loving the one that was hurting me and I, too, had run away, as far as I could to start over. I see it in her eyes - she sees me now, and can't imagine me being in her shoes. But I keep whispering words of life into her . Telling her that there is One who cares, who loves and does not take. And then she recognizes my story and something shifts. She trusts me. A ray of hope enters her heart. She smiles. And I take her by the hand and lead her to the One.

There are no perfect mommies

There's good shouting and destructive shouting and lately I seem to be of the latter group. You can cheer on your team (not the Cowboys again this year, unfortunately). You can yell, "STOP!" when someone is about to become a human pancake as a Mack truck rumbles by. You can yell insults at your husband because he never moves fast enough for you. Ouch. 

Good mommies get up off of the floor from folding laundry and walk up to the offender and say, "Mommy doesn't want you to play with the wall plugs, you will get owies." Bad mommies are so tired of saying the same dumb things over and over and over again that they simply scream, "If you touch that plug one more time I swear I will get up off of this floor and..." Voice fades. Toddler runs. She can't get up. 

How do we go from tired, worn out, yelling mommies to proactive, peaceful but still not perfect mommies?

We take care of us. 

As I look around my home this morning, I see piles of laundry. Dishes. Crumbs. Stacks of books. Bills to be paid. The Farmer's magazines. Blankets. (How can one family possibly have this many stupid blankets??????)

Do your children need that many outfits? Shoes? Toys? Blankets? Do you need that many plates and bowls and glasses? You may be adding to the tiredness and eventually the yelling because you may be buried in stuff. If you can go three days without washing dishes (Guilty.) you have too many dishes. If you can go three weeks without doing laundry you have too many clothes and towels. (Or you ran to Walmart to buy more underwear and socks. Also guilty.)

Do you honestly want to continue living this way? Pause.

Pause. That's my one word for this year. Pause and look at the situation from God's perspective. He has BLESSED you with children and a home and a husband. Is it perfect? No. And you should probably erase that word from your vocabulary, sista, because that ain't ever happening until you die or Jesus comes back. Is it overwhelming? Probably. Is it impossible? Nope, Because nothing is impossible with God and you can take that to the bank because it's right there in His Word.

So what's the Plan? (Are you noticing all of these words that start with "p"?) 

Pause.

Pray.

Praise.

Plan.

Pray.

Purge.

Pray.

Progress.

Peace.

Come on a journey this year with me where the end-goal is peace. 

Your homework for this week is to grab a notebook off of the pile on your dining room table. Walk around your home and make two lists. One of things you absolutely love about your home and family. (The way it is so quiet when they all finally go to bed after a long day?)The other list will be one of things to purge. Where is the clutter piling up? Start at the back door and walk through your home? (And no, kids are NOT clutter! :)) Just write. 

Next week we will make a plan and dive into the Word to see God's plans for you and your family. 

Leave a comment and let me know how I can pray for you. Let me know the areas you struggle with. We are on this journey together, to become the mommies that God is calling us to be!

Love you,

Carolyn

Writing in my Bible

Welcome to my quiet spot. Where I pour out my heart and soul to my Maker. Only my quiet spot is not so quiet. The corn dryer is droning away in the background, driving me crazy and reassuring me at the same time. There is a crop and God is good and this season too shall pass. 

I write in my Bible. I shout in my Bible. I circle and color and draw and put stickers and flags everywhere. Not for showing off. But for me. Remembering all of His promises and truths. And one day maybe my children will open up my Bible and know that in my quiet place I was shouting to the Lord. Sometimes praising. Sometimes begging. Always waiting. 

Father's Love Letter - Video

Blogging through the Bible

I need to figure out how to do all of those linky thingies and will update this post later with them :)

www.goodmorninggirls.org and www.womenlivingwell.org There are printables and a Bible reading plan.

But first, I need to write. To record what God has shown to me in the first few chapters of the book of Esther. I've read it several times in the past, even seen the movie. This time, I saw what God wanted me to see.

I have always focused on Esther's story, but this time it was Queen Vashti that made me think. Because I have been in her shoes. Where men have summoned me in their drunkenness to point out my beauty. To brag about what a great woman I am and then send me back to my "Chambers". In Esther 1 we have a king, a grand palace, and permission to drink unlimited amounts of wine by a royal decree. Throw into the mix all of the king's homies, if you will, and well, you get a drunken braggart.

She refused to come. Maybe she had been summoned too many times. Maybe she was tired of her beauty surpassing her brains. And I cried. It is a terrible place to be in when you are a woman owned by a man who drinks excessively. When the wine gives him liquid courage and love that is not present in the sobriety. God spoke healing words to me in that moment when she refused to come, knowing full well she would lose him and her position. She shamed the king in front of his party. She refused to be paraded about like a pony at the horse sale. And she lost. But, oh what she gained. Courage. Self worth. Freedom.

I can feel the contempt and anger in my own heart right now having felt the sting of alcohol making me desirable to a man. It hurts. Even though I am beautiful, it made me feel ugly.

I have one up on Queen Vashti however, because my King is Jesus. He will tell me I'm beautiful anytime. There is no doubt that He loves me. That my beauty is not what makes Him want me but my heart and soul. Jesus summons me out of love, not to show me off, but to reveal His glory in me!

So, girl, you shout to Jesus! Ask Him to reveal your true beauty. Even if you have never experienced what Queen Vashti did, you need to know you are beautiful. You are loved. You are free.

Love,
Carolyn

Words

"Put away from you all false and dishonest speech, and willful and contrary talk put far from you." Proverbs 4:24 AMP

 

 

For the past month or so, God has called me to consider my words. I went straight to the WORD and in my daily readings looked for God to show me about my mouth. And He did. Some of it was convicting and some was uplifting.

 

The book of Proverbs is full of verses on lips and tongues and the mouth! And the consequences we must face when we choose to use our words incorrectly.

 

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof."

Proverbs 18:21 KJV

 

 

Your words can kill. Period. They can destroy a moment. They can cause harm to your children that will last for generations. They can shame you. Words can take root and grow in another person and either bring forth fruit or cause a bitter heart. Jeremiah 12:2 AMP.

 

Your SHOUTING has power, my friend. Every person you meet today is either a demolition site or a construction opportunity. Your words make a difference. Will you build them up or tear them down?

 

 

Be Blessed,

Carolyn