Lost in Your Freedom - a post I never finished from six months ago...

Lately I have been trying to defend my faith to those in my personal life who are denying His existence. They laugh at me, pity me even. I am not going to fight them anymore. I am going to show them. Love them. Give them peace. Let them step back and see that I what I believe is real and true and worth it.

What did I lose when I gave my life to my Savior? I was a party girl. A hot mess. An addict. So lonely I wanted to die. Every. Single. Day. Nothing, not even my children were worth living for. I had no hope. And this little girl, who I love so much, has HOPE tattooed on her wrist. I just want to take her hand, trace those letters with my finger, and whisper to her about the One who is hope. Show her that life is worth living. That following a King is so much easier than following the prince of this world.

But I let her have her own version of hope. I respect her that much. To let her decide her own path. And keep on loving her.

I love this blog, honest I do

but I have let her lie dormant waiting for the right time to write what is in my heart. I have waited in a dry desert for a few years waiting for God to show me how He might use my words to glorify Him and speak life into someone who desperately needs hope. 

And today was that day. I got to church early, three of the four children in tow. I sat them down to eat their donuts and that's when I saw her. A tiny little woman all drawn up into herself. I could see the hurt. I could FEEL her pain. She just showed up at church today. Came from the Woman's Shelter. Loneliness and pain a badge on her chest. Once beautiful eyes now empty. No soul. No fight left in her. It was like looking in the mirror at my life twenty years ago. She got brave and left her abuser with only the clothes on her back. No bra. No clean undies. No memories or tokens of her life. Just her. 

I introduce myself. Get down on my knees at the foot of her chair. I touch her knee. She spills out her story as the tears spill down her face. She is so weary. I place my hand under her chin and lift up her face and tell her she is beautiful. That she is loved. And then I whisper to her that I, too, was once like her. Desperate and alone and unloved. And I couldn't stop loving the one that was hurting me and I, too, had run away, as far as I could to start over. I see it in her eyes - she sees me now, and can't imagine me being in her shoes. But I keep whispering words of life into her . Telling her that there is One who cares, who loves and does not take. And then she recognizes my story and something shifts. She trusts me. A ray of hope enters her heart. She smiles. And I take her by the hand and lead her to the One.

There are no perfect mommies

There's good shouting and destructive shouting and lately I seem to be of the latter group. You can cheer on your team (not the Cowboys again this year, unfortunately). You can yell, "STOP!" when someone is about to become a human pancake as a Mack truck rumbles by. You can yell insults at your husband because he never moves fast enough for you. Ouch. 

Good mommies get up off of the floor from folding laundry and walk up to the offender and say, "Mommy doesn't want you to play with the wall plugs, you will get owies." Bad mommies are so tired of saying the same dumb things over and over and over again that they simply scream, "If you touch that plug one more time I swear I will get up off of this floor and..." Voice fades. Toddler runs. She can't get up. 

How do we go from tired, worn out, yelling mommies to proactive, peaceful but still not perfect mommies?

We take care of us. 

As I look around my home this morning, I see piles of laundry. Dishes. Crumbs. Stacks of books. Bills to be paid. The Farmer's magazines. Blankets. (How can one family possibly have this many stupid blankets??????)

Do your children need that many outfits? Shoes? Toys? Blankets? Do you need that many plates and bowls and glasses? You may be adding to the tiredness and eventually the yelling because you may be buried in stuff. If you can go three days without washing dishes (Guilty.) you have too many dishes. If you can go three weeks without doing laundry you have too many clothes and towels. (Or you ran to Walmart to buy more underwear and socks. Also guilty.)

Do you honestly want to continue living this way? Pause.

Pause. That's my one word for this year. Pause and look at the situation from God's perspective. He has BLESSED you with children and a home and a husband. Is it perfect? No. And you should probably erase that word from your vocabulary, sista, because that ain't ever happening until you die or Jesus comes back. Is it overwhelming? Probably. Is it impossible? Nope, Because nothing is impossible with God and you can take that to the bank because it's right there in His Word.

So what's the Plan? (Are you noticing all of these words that start with "p"?) 

Pause.

Pray.

Praise.

Plan.

Pray.

Purge.

Pray.

Progress.

Peace.

Come on a journey this year with me where the end-goal is peace. 

Your homework for this week is to grab a notebook off of the pile on your dining room table. Walk around your home and make two lists. One of things you absolutely love about your home and family. (The way it is so quiet when they all finally go to bed after a long day?)The other list will be one of things to purge. Where is the clutter piling up? Start at the back door and walk through your home? (And no, kids are NOT clutter! :)) Just write. 

Next week we will make a plan and dive into the Word to see God's plans for you and your family. 

Leave a comment and let me know how I can pray for you. Let me know the areas you struggle with. We are on this journey together, to become the mommies that God is calling us to be!

Love you,

Carolyn